A Lover

I have been praying a lot lately about where the Lord is on my relationships. I have been praying in my future husband hoping that he is close. A few weeks ago I was praying about it and I felt the Lord say, "Patricia, become a lover of me and I will bring you your lover." Well if you are anything like me, it is a weird concept to be a lover of the Lord, but then I was like, "Patricia you moron that is what you are here to do." Therefore, I have worked on being a lover of the Lord first. I have still been praying about my relationships and feel my heart being turned toward someone. There are a ton of various aspects that will play a roll in this if it is to turn into something. If you are a woman you know that you have been playing wedding, house, and life since you were born, it is in our nature. I have really had to reign in my feelings because the circumstances are very interesting and prayer just seems to be the natural most obvious choice in this situation. I want so badly to be pursued and I want so badly to be someones treasure to win. That is my prayer. That if he is the one, he will initiate it, pursue me, and win my heart. (He won't have to work too hard ;D) But I want that because it is in my nature. I want a man who wants me. So just pray for my man please.

-P

Uninspired.

So I have felt really uninspired lately and it has bothered me. Usually my blogs just pour out like effortless projectile vomit. However, lately has been a completely different story. It is a struggle to produce just the right thoughts and feelings to combine into a cosmically epic blog. Sometimes when I get writers blog I take a look inside of me and find the source of the block. Usually it is because I have an issue that I am refusing to deal with and when I refuse to deal, my thoughts refuse to be productive, therefore my actions refuse to be anything good. With all that said, I sat down tonight at my computer and decided that I wasn't going to allow myself to not write, I owe it to you my two readers, to let you know what is up.

Being inspired I think comes from a lot of different avenues. For some reason though, I haven't taken any of those avenues. I don't know maybe I have been too tired to write, but then I feel guilty because I really don't have anything to be tired about, really. I mean I go and go and go but I do it to myself to keep me busy and to keep my mind preoccupied. I love being busy. So I have chosen not to deal with some things that past few days, and my emotions decided to have a breakdown last night. Good timing on their part, really. I laid in my bed, in a closed off room, had some music playing, and balled my freaking eyes out. I was shocked, I cried hard in my pillow, sniffled when I came out to breathe, then continued the cycle. I slept well however, because I cried myself into exhaustion and eventually sleep. It got me thinking, though, when am I gonna get tired of holding it all in until a breakdown has to happen. I got the answer: It is my nature to be an extremist, I am either extremely put together or extremely unglued. There is very little in between for me. I realized that in my usual environment I am forced to be put together. Being put together is translated as perfection, which I am used to striving for. But here, where I am at right now, I don't have to strive for perfection, this is a foreign concept to me. It is a bad thing to hold it all in here and to not deal. I am having to be retrained constantly because in my extremist nature, I can't have one bad day, that isn't allowed in my book, either I am going to suck it up and not deal with it or it will all force that cork off and pour out.

I am very uninspired.

REAL CHANGE:

What can wash away our sin? Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

What can make us whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Oh precious is the flow, that makes us white as snow.

No other fount I know. Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

I plead your blood over my sins and the sins of my nation. God end abortion. Send revival to America.

When the victors when they come, when the forts at folly fall, find my body near the wall. Build up a wall, lay a seige against it, set your face toward it and it will be beseiged.

Nothing in our nation will change until we change. We need to seek God about the decisions of our nation and the position that our President is sending us to.

Tomorrow: I start to change myself in order to be a vessel of change from the King. Pray for change of God's standards not the worlds.

Breathing Or Lack there of:

This question has been in my mind for several days. Why do I not talk about how I really deep down feel even when I'm in the safest environment to? I can't figure it out. It is like no matter where I am no matter who it is, I can't allow myself to be truly 100 percent honest about my true feelings. It is literally eating away at me because they are surfacing and I can't do anything about that but fear, fear is holding me back from being truly honest. I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like I am a burden for talking about how I feel. I feel vulnerable and I hate it.There are pieces of this puzzle that if they are put together the picture would be devastating. It is a proven fact however, that talking does work. It also helps to know where you stand in a relationship. For three days I haven't been able to breathe, I have been anxious and feeling every possible emotion, but the emotions were replaced with numbness. It is a horrible feeling, a vast numbness that should be emotion, it would be easier if it were emotion, at least then I would be able to express how I really feel and what emotional state I am in. Nobody likes to be open about their problems. Nobody wants people to be aware that they don't have their stuff altogether all the time. I don't for sure. It is scary when the dynamics change from you being the go to person for all of your friends, to needing a go to person. Change for the most part is never a welcomed thing, especially when the change is causing you to feel things that you have forced yourself not to feel for so long. When everything else is crumbling, I used to be the one standing firm, that people could hang on to. What am I to do when I am crumbling but everything else is standing firm? GRAB THE ROPE AND HANG ON FOR DEAR LIFE BECAUSE THE PEOPLE HOLDING THE ROPE AREN'T GOING TO LET ME FALL!

This new concept of having a three in one relationship is weird to me. I've got new friends, new family, and new mentors. All in one fun package of hope, motivation, love, encouragement, and happiness.

When you are drowning, don't portray happiness, that is a waste of energy. Instead, when you are drowning, use your energy to kick yourself to the top and wave your arms so rescue can come. In all things don't forget to breathe, and when you can't, find something that will give you oxygen. You can't live if you can't breathe. Just breathe!

Sleep well, sleep long, sleep fast and sleep with sweet dreams.

-P

Hours Come With A Direct Effect:

So I am fully aware that the title of this blog is a little weird, (I did it on purpose.) Yesterday I had an assignment to do a Bible study of Grace and Mercy. Well I did. I always thought that I was a fast worker until I realized that working through the Bible takes some time and effort. Who knew? But it wasn't until a few hours into working that I realized I had been working in the Bible for a few hours. I thought to myself, "Wow, this has taken me a long time and I looked up two words in the concordance. Perhaps Grace and Mercy might be two of the most important words in the Bible for me today, right now, this one moment in time." It was a funny thought because like most things it sent my mind on a worldwind of memories. I have to love the fact that I remember almost everything, sometimes I fake like I don't though. But I started thinking of all the things that I had wasted hours of my life doing. Some of the things that came to mind made me very sad, because it was in that moment of remembering those things, I realized how far away from God I had allowed myself to get. I realized that I had false idols and would spend hours and hours with those things, hours of my life that I can't get back, and hours of my life that have put me and kept me where I am at. So I spent hours in the Bible yesterday and it had a direct effect for the rest of the day. I would start thinking at random times of Bible verses instead of other thoughts, I would consider Grace and Mercy and realize that I have no clue the extent of how great God's grace and mercy for us is. Basically, the things that I would fill my time and energy with in the past were the most destructive things I could have possibly done for myself. Now that I am attempting to rise above all of that and get pulled out of the state that I have been in for so long, it hit me like a punch to the face, (It amazes me that it took so long for me to realize this, actually I am quite embarrassed by it,) but I realized that in order to rise above it, I have to counteract the hours I spent dwelling in it with hours dwelling with God. HOLY COW! I know, I know, "wow she's a genius" I am. I just have my moments. I love the direct effect of being with God. That is what I plan on doing, maybe not hours everyday, but at least some time with Him will be more beneficial than hours with the crap of society.

You all sleep well, sleep fast, sleep long, and sleep with Sweet Dreams!

Thoughts, Feelings, Actions:

Good Morning,

Last night for me was filled with life discoveries and emotions. Doesn't that sound fun? I learned, (in a knew way) the the thoughts we have control the feelings we have, and the feelings we have control the actions the we do. So I got thinking, "Basically, when we are not thinking on happy things, or on the things of God, it will come out in every other aspect of life." When we are thinking about all the things we have to do, haven't gotten finished, or the stresses of life, we are going to feel that. When we feel stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted, underachieved, and unappreciated, we begin to act like that. I have been told in my life, by my parents at home, that I am not mature or responsible enough to do the things I want to do, well do you want to know what happens? Everywhere else people viewed me as very mature and responsible, not because I was faking it but because other people allowed me to be that. However at home, because that is what I was told about myself, that is what I thought of myself to be, that is how I felt, therefore, that is how I acted.

What I need to start doing is retraining my brain to think of myself how God thinks of me, (this would be easier if He would just come and tell me,) but to not think of myself as I have trained myself. Everything that I am working through, processing, dealing with, if you will, I realize will not happen overnight but when I look at my journey I want to automatically see the end result, right now I can't. Right now what I see is today and what I can do today to get me to the end result. Anytime we deal with a bad habitual behavior it has to be counter attacked or replaced with another good behavior. I am still discovering what that behavior is. I'm kind of feeling that when negative thoughts arise in my brain right those down and think about acting, film making, and writing. I'VE GOT IT! Everyday I'm going to focus my thoughts on one of my talents. I know that I am good at acting and filmaking, so today that is my focus.

I want to see what having productive and uplifting thoughts will do for me in one day vs. the negative self loathing thoughts that my brain is trained to have.

Today's P.M.A- "Onward and Upward!"

Society Is A Courtroom Filled With Judges.

Today's society seems to mimic that of a television courtroom drama. The topic of tonight: Judgment. Everybody is so geared up and ready to judge everyone else. I'TS SICK! We get judged by what we look like, by what we don't look like, by the type of car we drive, and by what kind of job we have. We live in a world filled with judges. We judge people with a look, or a hurtful comment, we judge people based on appearances. What would happen if we all stopped judging and got down to the real people? AMAZING THINGS I'M GUESSING. It is hard today to live in our society. I don't know about you but I know for a fact that our parents did not have to go through some of the things we are going through. Seriously back then seems like a cake walk to today. When I look at myself and realize how badly I judge, not only myself, but other people, it makes me really sad, but intrigued at the influence that society does have on us. After, September 11, how many of us would walk through the airports and be suspicious of a middle eastern person? How many of us see homeless people and assume that they are struggling drug addicts or alcoholics, who, if we give them money are going to waste it on those things? How many of us see hispanic people and judge them for trying to have a better life? Isn't that what America is or was? The land of opportunity! Well the land of judgment would be more like it. We all just need to breathe and stop taking everyone and everything so seriously, it really isn't that important.