The Aftermath:

After every action there is always the aftermath of thought, the realization that one choice was made over the other, the knowledge that things could have been different but because you chose a certain way, they finished the way they did. There are two types of aftermaths the good type, this is where you congratulate yourself on how awesome you were and how great the decisions you made were and tell yourself that YOU ARE A-OKAY! The second type of aftermath is the self loathing type, nothing you did was right, nothing you said was worth anyone listening to, what you wore wasn't cool or pretty enough, and what you did made YOU LOOK STUPID. Can you control the aftermath of thought? You can sure try, but will your attempts ever be good enoug? Who knows really. The aftermath of thought is an internal experience that can be masked ever so well by a smile, or a "good" or a blatant lie. The fact of the matter is that there is always an aftermath and there are always questions to be answered and arguments to be had. The aftermath is a moment in time, sometimes you want to enjoy the good thoughts that you have and sometimes you wish the the self loathing and demeaning thoughts would just go as quickly as possible. After every action there is an aftermath of thought.

You all sleep well, sleep long, sleep fast, and sleep with sweet dreams.

3 Steps Backwards, 2 Steps Forward.

The cycle of any type of healing I would imagine is this. You start to move and as hard as it is to do you do it because you have people there with you to help pull you up. Then in a moment of weakness, you fall back some steps. It doesn't feel good at all when this happens, but I'm starting to think that it is an essential part of healing because the more steps you take forward, the times that you do fall, you start to realize what made you slip to start with. In a time in my life when I'm not too fond of self realization, I find myself realizing that the things that trigger my pain, control issues, my need to feel powerful, the things that trigger those are going to be in my everyday life situations: does that suck? YEAH! But I am not one to close myself off from society or my culture because it isn't condusive to my healing process. So what to do? Well how I'm feeling right now, What I'm going to do: I am going to grab to bull by the horns, look my problems in the face, and with everything I have in me... FIGHT. My family is standing up for me in this, I figure, I'M GOING TO STAND UP FOR ME. I have been so tough all my life, standing up for my friends and family. I forgot that sometimes I need to stand up for myself. It isn't going to be easy and it won't (I promise) happen over night. But I will eventually stand on my own two feet and say, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, YOU ARE D.O.N.E. SUCKA!"

You all sleep well, sleep long, sleep fast and sleep with sweet dreams!

Music.

I know that music is an essential part of life. It is in my life. There are moments when words coming out of my mouth just don't cut it. I need something motivating, inspiring, audible, something that jumps out and grabs my heart. Music does that. On a particular day when everything seems okay, some music is better than others. However, when a crash happens, the uplifting stuff (it doesn't have to be spiritual or even christian) but the music needs to grab your heart and shake you up a bit. Yesterday was yesterday, it was bad, it was hard, it upset me, it turned me upside down, it is now the past. Is it habitual for me to want to focus on how bad I felt, and what words were spoken to me? Yes. Heck Yes. But I am going to choose to listen and focus, and attempt to believe the words spoken to me by the people who love me, who cherish, me and who lift me up. It is hard, I'll be the first to tell you that, however, it isn't easy being miserable either. I say all of this to say that sometimes music lives your life hand in hand. I'm sure if I had the ability I would be a singer/songwriter/artist. But I am not particularly gifted in such things, so I find console in the music of people who are. Music, I feel, gives me a connection to a deeper part of myself that I have chosen over the years to close off, music forces me to feel. Music allows me to live in the moment of what I feel. This may come as a surprise to some, but certain songs will hit me on such an emotional level and speak to me, that I find my breaking point emotionally in that song. And I will replay that song until I am detoxed of that emotion. It truly is an amazing experience. I sometimes want so badly to be through this aspect of my journey, then I find a song and for a moment in it, I find that it isn't so bad to stop and be in a moment, whether it is good or bad. It is okay to stop and experience what is going on around you. Patricia, just stop, don't move forward or backwards, for this one moment just be still, for this one moment experience, for this one moment... BREATHE!

Back To Square One.

So I'm finding that it is unreal how six words can send me back to square one. Those six words were a confirmation of everything that I thought. It is a horrible emotional feeling to be back (or feel that I am back on the bottom) so emotionally, where am I? Six words. Six words. Jesus. I can't even believe the cycle that has taken place.

The Baby Steps Of Life

It seems to me that life, in all of its awesomeness, throws us curve balls that we can't really explain. One thing that amazes me at this point in life is that the baby steps seem to be the hardest steps to take. Have you ever watched a baby try to walk? The baby will take two steps that resemble an old drunk person and fall on its full diaper. That is how it feels on this journey at this particular moment. I feel as though I have taken two, wobbly and uncoordinated steps forward and have fallen on a big load of crap. Now what has to be done? Somebody bigger than me has to come and pick me up, help me balance, and then get me ready and motivated to take 2 more wobbly steps. OH BOY! It is interesting to me that in the time of my life where I am supposed to feel like an adult, like the world is my ocean and I'm going for a swim, I feel like I am 10 months old trying to walk. Talk about failure to launch. It is all a feeling though. I haven't fallen tonight. I took the one wobbly step forward, now I'm trying to keep the balance. However, as history has shown us, until I have practiced walking enough, I'm going to fall, and when I do, I am going to have to trust that someone bigger than me will come and say, "It's okay. Let's try again. Walk to me, come on you can do it. One step. Two steps. YOU DID IT!"

Can The Explosion Be Avoided?

Good Morning,

It is definitely one of my downfalls, (that is viewed as a strength), that I have an awesome ability of stuffing down emotions. As we all know, when we stuff, it is bound to resurface in greater force than when we first felt it. Welcome to my world. Last night the resurface started to happen. I hate when that happens because then I know I want to cry, however, I want to be too strong and hold all emotion in because, "only the weak cry." I know, I know, "This girl is crazy." You have know idea. It is an incredible sensation that is filled with every emotional state possible and filled with the feelings of fear, being overwhelmed, and pretty much in a blatant way, I feel a little pissed off. The little "weakling" inside of me who feels the need to drag the "strong" woman down, makes me so mad. However, the weakling rose, and I will process all the baggage of the past few weeks. MY FAVORITE! So I'm wondering, "Can the explosion be avoided?" Yes it can, I just have to learn to process the emotion as it happens and get out of my completely comfortable way of life which is stuffing. THIS IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE MIND YOU.

During my Bible memorization today I came across a verse that was highly fitting for the day, just to confirm the Positive Mental Attitude, which from now on will be refered to as (P.M.A.)

2 Corinthians 13: 11-14--Taken out of The Message--
"And that's about it, friends. Be cheerful. Keep things in good repair. Keep your spirits up. Think in harmony. Be agreeable. Do all that and the God of love and peace will be with you for sure. Greet one another in a holy embrace. All the brothers and sisters here say hello. The amazing grace of the Master, Jesus Christ, the extravagant love of God, the intimate friendship of the Holy Spirit, be with all of you."

P.M.A. "ALL SYSTEMS SAFE TO PROCESS!"

Mind Alters Matter

It is funny when you put your mind up to something, how it will happen almost without effort. Today was a really good day. When the time came down to it, to do the one thing that I really fear to do, the thing that causes me anxiety, the thing that has controlled my life for so long, it didn't seem like a big deal. I really think this is due to the friends I was with, it was fun, it was enjoyable, and it was good.

So what I learned today: When you make up your mind to be in control of how your day is going to go emotionally, it helps everything else that is good in your life fall into place.