This question has been in my mind for several days. Why do I not talk about how I really deep down feel even when I'm in the safest environment to? I can't figure it out. It is like no matter where I am no matter who it is, I can't allow myself to be truly 100 percent honest about my true feelings. It is literally eating away at me because they are surfacing and I can't do anything about that but fear, fear is holding me back from being truly honest. I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like I am a burden for talking about how I feel. I feel vulnerable and I hate it.There are pieces of this puzzle that if they are put together the picture would be devastating. It is a proven fact however, that talking does work. It also helps to know where you stand in a relationship. For three days I haven't been able to breathe, I have been anxious and feeling every possible emotion, but the emotions were replaced with numbness. It is a horrible feeling, a vast numbness that should be emotion, it would be easier if it were emotion, at least then I would be able to express how I really feel and what emotional state I am in. Nobody likes to be open about their problems. Nobody wants people to be aware that they don't have their stuff altogether all the time. I don't for sure. It is scary when the dynamics change from you being the go to person for all of your friends, to needing a go to person. Change for the most part is never a welcomed thing, especially when the change is causing you to feel things that you have forced yourself not to feel for so long. When everything else is crumbling, I used to be the one standing firm, that people could hang on to. What am I to do when I am crumbling but everything else is standing firm? GRAB THE ROPE AND HANG ON FOR DEAR LIFE BECAUSE THE PEOPLE HOLDING THE ROPE AREN'T GOING TO LET ME FALL!
This new concept of having a three in one relationship is weird to me. I've got new friends, new family, and new mentors. All in one fun package of hope, motivation, love, encouragement, and happiness.
When you are drowning, don't portray happiness, that is a waste of energy. Instead, when you are drowning, use your energy to kick yourself to the top and wave your arms so rescue can come. In all things don't forget to breathe, and when you can't, find something that will give you oxygen. You can't live if you can't breathe. Just breathe!
Sleep well, sleep long, sleep fast and sleep with sweet dreams.
-P
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1 comment:
It is interesting to see that you wrote this the day before "book club." Yes, numbness is only beneficial in coping. I have had my UNfair share of emotional numbness, so I hear ya. And I'm so glad numbness is temporary.
P.S. I am also glad to be your new friend.
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